Bodiless Voice
by MinervaEvenstar
Summary: James wants to tell the other Marauders his new plan to woo Lily, but Peter is busy eating, Remus is reading, and Sirius is doing something ::ahem:: else...Then, a bodiless voice comes along. RLSB oneshot


_Minerva's Note:_ This is randomness written out of boredom in an attempt to gain inspiration for better stories. I'm the first to admit that it's NOT good compared to most of my other works, but hopefully it'll still make you chuckle.

**Bodiless Voice**

James enterred the dormitory excitedly.

"Hey, Wormtail-" James said.

Peter interupted, "Not now, Prongs. I'm eating snacks I stole from the kitchen. They're better when they're hot."

James started again, "Hey Padfoot-"

Sirius said, "Not now, Prongs. I'm trying to get Moony to go for a shag."

"Hey, Moony-" James tried once more.

"Not now, Prongs. Padfoot is trying to get me to go for a shag," pointed out Remus. "While I'm _reading_."

"But-"

"NOT NOW, PRONGS!" cried Peter, Sirius, and Remus in unison.

"Please listen," James said, desperately needing attention.

"No!" Sirius snapped exhasperatedly. "I. Want. To. Be. In. Moony's. Pants. What part of that do you not get?"

Peter shook his head at James' request; he couldn't speak because his mouth was full of pastries.

"...Okay. What is it?" Remus relented, putting down his book.

"Aw, thanks, Moony!" James exclaimed, "You're so nice!"

"I know. What is it?"

"Have you seen Evans?"

Remus replied, "No. Why? Do you want to flirt with her...again?"

"So she can reject you...again?" Sirius said.

"Or punch you...again?" asked Peter.

"She won't this time," James told them confidently.

"How do you know?" asked Remus.

"I'm always trying to get her to go out with me, right?"

"Yeah," Sirius, Remus, and Peter answered him.

"Well, I've figured it out! I'm just gonna go up to her and ask her to have my child," announced James. "She'll like that I cut to the chase, and all women love babies, right?"

"I think you'll get rejected...again," Sirius stated, uninterestedly. He was much more interested in the scholarly, sexy werewolf on the bed beside him.

"I will not."

"I think you'll get punched...again," Peter murmured at James' idiocy.

"I will not."

"I think she'll agree to it," said Remus.

"REALLY?" James, Sirius, and Peter cried as one.

"No." the Prefect deadpanned. "Do any of you understand sarcasm?"

"Nah," replied James.

"Nah," repeated Peter. He was good at repeating what James said.

"N-wait, wait...nah," Sirius answered.

"You all can be thick sometimes. You make me need chocolate," muttered Remus, massaging his forehead.

"You need me more than chocolate, don't you, Moony?" asked Sirius using his famous puppy dog eyes.

"Um, is that a trick question?" Remus wanted to know.

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know. You're the smart one."

"Who are you, then?" Remus inquired curiously.

Sirius replied simply, "The sexy one."

"And I'm the athletic one," James added proudly.

"Who do I get to be? The stupid, fat one?" Peter asked unhappily.

"Uh-huh." Sirius shrugged again.

"I don't like that! Who's writing this story?" whined Peter.

A Bodiless Voice suddenly declared, "I am."

"Cool! A bodiless voice!" Sirius clapped.

James raised his wand. "Should we be afraid of it?"

The Bodiless Voice warned, "Be afraid! Be very afraid!"

James and Peter screamed.

"I don't wanna be afraid," Remus told the voice calmly.

"Me neither. I wanna shag Moony through the mattress!" complained Sirius.

Remus wiped away an imaginary tear and asserted his sarcasm again. "Oh, Padfoot, how romantic. I'm touched."

Sirius grinned. "No, you're not, but I promise you'll be touched soon."

"Not while I'm in the room, please," sighed James.

Peter cocked his clueless head. "What? I don't get it."

"Wormtail, you never get it," Sirius muttered.

The Bodiless Voice broke in "James and Peter...er...just leave."

Peter asked, "Why?"

"Don't ask questions! We must obey the bodiless voice!" ordered James.

"Yes, Sir." Peter left with James.

Sirius exclaimed with joy, "Thanks, Bodiless Voice!" Now, he had his delectable Remus alone.

The Bodiless Voice would have shrugged if it had a body. "No problem."

Well, almost alone. "Could you leave, too?"Sirius suggested.

"Sorry!" The Bodiless Voice disappeared.

Remus sighed, "There's no one around now, and my book wasn't that interesting anyway, so..."

"We can start the sexing?" Sirius bounced up and down on the bed eagerly. At Remus' sly un-Prefect-like smile, Sirius beamed and questioned, "Can I be on top?"

"You were on top last time!"

"So?"

"It isn't fair for you to be on top...again," said Remus.

Sirius answered dramatically, "All's fair in love and war."

"You stole that quote from somewhere."

"I know I did."

Remus said nothing.

"Are you going to ignore me unless I let you be on top?"

Remus nodded.

Sirius gave in. "Fine, you can be on top."

"Good."


End file.
